by Katherine Jewett, LMFT
Ever catch yourself in a power struggle with a pint-sized human and think, “Who is this control freak, and why does she look suspiciously like me?” If so, congratulations—you’re officially human! And believe it or not, the culprit behind your mini meltdowns over mismatched socks and uneaten broccoli isn’t actually you. It’s your nervous system playing tricks.
Blame It on Your Brain (It’s Not Personal)
Your brain’s job is straightforward—keep you and your little ones alive and safe. It is great when running from a saber-toothed tiger but less helpful when chasing your kid around with a toothbrush. Dr. Laura Markham, a renowned clinical psychologist, explains it simply: when your toddler defies bedtime or your partner casually deviates from your carefully curated routine, your brain perceives a threat—cue the primal fight-flight-freeze response.
Suddenly, you’re in survival mode, acting like your toddler’s messy art project is an impending apocalypse. But don’t beat yourself up—this is literally how we’re wired.
Signs Your Nervous System Is Freaking Out:
- Your heart starts racing when schedules implode.
- Your inner perfectionist demands immediate intervention.
- You feel irrationally irritated when your partner dares to parent differently.
- You’re convinced chaos will reign if you don’t step in immediately.
Recognize yourself here? Good news: awareness is the first step to regaining sanity!
Rewiring Your Parenting Brain (Without Losing Your Mind)
Let’s dive into some practical, science-backed techniques for reclaiming calm, courtesy of psychologists, neuroscientists, and parenting experts:
- Pause and Be a Spectator (It’s Harder Than It Sounds)
When your kid throws an Oscar-worthy tantrum, resist the urge to swoop in as the parenting superhero. Try this instead:
- Pause: Take a breath. Remind yourself, “Not an emergency—just a tiny human momentarily possessed by wildness.”
- Observe, don’t react: Your new mantra: “I’m a cool cucumber, even amidst the chaos.”
Why this works: Pausing interrupts your stress response, shifting you from panic to perspective. It’s neuroscience, not magic (though it might feel magical).
Befriend Your Body (Your New Parenting Superpower)
According to Polyvagal Theory and somatic experts, your body can calm your brain quicker than your thoughts can:
- Hand-on-Heart & Belly Breathing: Place one hand on your chest and one on your stomach. Take a deep breath in and a slow breath out. Your nervous system gets the memo: “We’re safe—cancel the red alert.”
- Shake It Out: Feel frustration bubbling? Literally, shake your hands and legs like you’re dancing off bad vibes. Ridiculous? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely.
Expert bonus tip: Dr. Stephen Porges, creator of Polyvagal Theory, confirms that these somatic methods quickly signal safety to your nervous system, taking you from frazzled to functional.
Transforming Control Freak Moments into Opportunities for Connection
Your urge to control isn’t malicious—it’s protective. But the real power move is shifting from controlling your child to connecting with them:
- Instead of “I must micromanage this!” try, “My kid is surprisingly capable—I’ll give them space to surprise me.”
- Swap “This must be perfect!” for “Hey, this moment is messy but memorable.”
According to parenting expert Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, focusing on connection rather than control fosters trust, reduces resistance, and—bonus!—lowers parental stress.
Real-Life Examples (Or How to Chill Out and Thrive)
Here’s your new parenting script in action:
- Kid won’t wear a jacket? Smile sweetly: “If you get cold, let me know—I’ve got your back.” Secretly stash the jacket anyway.
- Homework drama unfolds? Casual confidence: “You got this! If not, I’m nearby—no helicopter required.”
- Partner does bedtime “wrong”? Deep breath, friendly reminder: “Different style, same love. Child still asleep. Mission accomplished.”
Final Pep Talk: Imperfection Is Your Friend
Letting go isn’t about perfecting parenting—it’s about embracing the messiness of being human. Neuroscience confirms it: mistakes and challenges are your child’s (and your own!) best growth opportunities.
So next time chaos reigns, remember:
- You’re wired to handle this (even if your nerves protest).
- Your child’s wildness doesn’t reflect your worth.
- Deep breaths are your secret superpower (not yelling louder).
And hey, at least parenting is never dull!
Ready to Dig Deeper?
If this speaks to your parenting soul, check out:
- Polyvagal Theory: Unlock the secrets of calming your nervous system.
- Somatic Experiencing: Release tension and stress from your body, resetting your parenting energy.
- Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques: Challenge those anxiety-provoking thoughts and rewire your mindset.
Because let’s face it—calm parents aren’t born; they’re crafted one tiny, imperfect, and beautifully messy moment at a time. Ready to find your parenting calm? Call today for a free consultation—because even superheroes need support sometimes! You’ve got this! (And if not, there’s always coffee.)
