Dresses & Ties: How to Come to Terms with Crossdressing Desires
Societies like to make the complex simple. They insist on taking gray situations and ideas and making them black or white. In this way, people and situations can be more easily controlled and predicted, and the normal order can reign supreme.
Except, that isn’t realistic. We all know that human beings are very complex creatures and that life isn’t black or white. While others may like to put us in a box to make things easier for them, some of us simply don’t fit.
I have had the pleasure of getting to know quite a few crossdressers through my practice. They have come to me with feelings of guilt and confusion over their desire to wear the “wrong” clothes, the clothes that only the opposite gender is “supposed” to wear. Though they tried on their own to handle these desires and even conquer them, the majority felt powerless to stop.
Before we discuss “dealing” with your crossdressing desires, however, we need to make sure we are talking about the same thing.
Crossdressing vs. Transgenderism
Transgender refers to a person who identifies with a gender that does not match their biological sex at birth. While a person may have been born a female with a female anatomy and female chromosomes, that person identifies as a “he” in their daily life and may even choose to have gender-corrective surgery at some point.
People who crossdress often have a gender identity consistent with their biological. For example, a heterosexual man may identify as a male and be attracted to only females and still take pleasure in cross-dressing in women’s clothing. (In fact, you’d probably be surprised by how common and truly normal that situation is.) He does not wish to be female and he is not attracted to men, but he has a strong desire to explore his own femininity and feel beautiful.
Are Crossdressing Desires Really Something You Need to “Deal” With?
That’s not an easy question to answer, as everyone’s situation is different. What’s really important is to feel good about yourself and accept yourself for who you are. If you have feelings of shame or guilt, it’s important to talk to someone about those.
You may feel perfectly happy with yourself, but your partner may not like the fact that you crossdress. What do you do in that situation? Leave the relationship, or stop a behavior that makes you happy and is harmless to others?
The best advice I give my clients is to take some time to figure out what cross-dressing means to you. What value does it bring to your life? How does it affect your relationships? Does it negatively or positively impact the connection you have with others?
Though society would like to put you into a box, you are a unique individual and your journey in life is yours alone. Only you can decide if cross-dressing is right for you.
If you’d like to discuss your cross-dressing desires, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
Hello Katherine,
Your intro to your site intrigued me. I feel I’m dealing with this issue. I was in a 13 yr marriage that folded when she saw pictures of my crossdressing in her clothes. After the divorce, I still have the pull to crossdress. Met another woman, told her I do like to crossdress. She can accept part of it, but not in public, not having to explain it to her family. She asked me to talk to a therapist. Find out if I’m just using it as a release or there is more to it. Guess she’s not wrong, I don’t know where this stems from but I do need to talk about it, get answers.
Thank you
I have been crossdressing since I was like 5 or 6. It cost me a marage. Years later I still continue.
My wife hates me crossdressing I love it
I
How do I know I’m a crossdresser and not trans.
Hello I’ll start with I’ve bein dressing up for a long time now , im 48 yrs old and engaged to the woman of my dreams, but the fact i like to dress up wares on her, she doesnt mind me dressing up and purchases things for me. She just dont want to be married to a woman, i truly love her but i truly love getting all dressed up too!
My name is Lee. I am a Christian, a man in love with his wife, a senior filled with vitality, and a man that has come to accept my deep desire to cross-dress. I am comfortable being male. In fact, most would say that I am a strong alpha. Nevertheless, the few times I dressed have been exhilarating! The excitement of this desire has been part of me for as long as I can remember. I feel certain now that I should sometimes “dress” and have no fear or shame.
During the past couple of months, my recent personal acceptance has allowed me to ever so gradually share who I am with my wife. Though she clearly has received a “gut-punch” and has expressed disdain for the idea that the man she loves wants to be a woman too, she seems more reasonable than I expected. She said she needs counseling to help her get past it, let alone accept it. The usual biblical stumbling block to crossdressing of Deuteronomy 22:5, and she has mentioned passages in Romans as well, crush her into rejecting more of an open mind. She is trying… I am struggling to get a psychologist or counselor.
Dear Katherine ,
I am not sure you can really help me but here is my story.
I am 62 year old male. I am married and very happy with my wife. She knows I cross dress and allows it but does feel concerned that I am going to hell because of it.
I am a Christian and it does cause me to feel guilty about my cross-dresseing. I have been cross dressing since I was 12. I see this as a odd part of my personality.
Hello. I am 59 years young married and have been crossdressing for 50+ years!! My question is:. My testosterone levels have taken a hiatus. I am feeling more and more female and wanting to dress up everyday. The desire is very very strong. I am wearing bras and panties to work ?? Very light makeup. Question:. Is there medical evidence supporting the loss of testosterone to increase feelings of femulate feelings ?
Thank you for such an interesting article. So many points you bring strike home with my situation.
After years of taking precautions my wife recently came across pictures of me in a cocktail dress, heels hose and wig. There was no denying it and now we are living a nightmare come true. Yes, I Crossdressers (although I rarely have the opportunity) but I’ve not been completely honest with her. It was just this one time, I falsely claimed.
She has struggled with bipolar illness for years and I didn’t see how confessing the extent of my cross dressing would help. Of course, like many, I started in my youth, stopped during my 20’s and resumed again in my 30’s (using the services of feminization mistresses.). In my 40’s I started to acquire womens clothing of my own. Now in my mid 60’s of course I have purged my wardrobe before I would have to endure more shame.
I feel very ashamed and worthless to have this secret from my wife. Naturally her first reaction is “do you want a sex change?” Of course not, I assure her…(that would defeat the entire reason why I dress…im not supposed to dress up in pretty womens clothing! So I do.)
I am torn now as to tell her or not, how much this means to me.
I haven’t gotten rid of everything…haven’t really had the chance, Or perhaps that is an excuse. I would underdress daily and have worn panties for the first time in two weeks. It’s hard to describe how my mood changed for those few hours. I am struggling with all of this and your article and the chance to comment is so helpful. Thank you very much.
I like to crossdress because I think women have better clothes than guys do. I am very attracted to women. My wife desires a divorce because of this.
Fine here. Out of everything, from me being unemployed (I sold paletas over the summer made good $. Under table and am offered a job at casino. In Colorado. I smoke weed, she no like. Always blames me for being sick.
I want her gone. More peace. she is an emotional drain. Anyhow. The question is how to find a girl or woman that will accept crossdressing 100 percent of the tone. Dates, walking around in public. Grocery stores, etc without thinking embarrassment. I am NOT embarrassed to walk around in public in a dress.
How to find someone who digs my clothes? Should I just wait and the right girl appears? I’m 44. Married 14vyears.