by Katherine Jewett, LMFT
Ever spent 20 minutes choosing a font for an email or rearranging the cups in your cabinet until they’re just right? 🙋 You’re not alone. Many of us proudly call ourselves “perfectionists,” often with a nervous laugh. We might even trot it out as a “weakness” in job interviews (classic move!). On the surface, striving for perfection sounds like a good thing – who wouldn’t want to do their very best? But when doing your best turns into never feeling good enough, it can morph from a quirk into a serious source of stress.
In fact, perfectionism isn’t just about being detail-oriented or liking things neat. It’s a mindset that can sneakily ramp up our anxiety and drag down our mood. If you’ve ever felt utterly exhausted trying to meet impossibly high standards (and still felt like you fell short), this post is for you. We’re going to explore what perfectionism really is, why it’s tied so closely to anxiety and depression, and, most importantly, how to break free from the perfectionism trap while still aiming for excellence. Spoiler: You can keep your high standards without driving yourself crazy!
What Is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by high standards, relentless self-criticism, and a tendency to strive for flawlessness. In other words, perfectionists hold a sky-high bar for themselves (and sometimes others) and get upset at even the tiniest slip-ups. Now, aiming high can be positive – it’s helped many people achieve great things. In some contexts, a bit of perfectionism (like double-checking your work) is adaptive and useful. But here’s the kicker: research shows that *perfectionism has been linked to a host of negative outcomes, including anxiety and depression. When those high-achieving traits become too intense, they stop being helpful and start causing trouble. Think of it this way: traits like being meticulous and persistent are awesome for achieving goals, but when they become overwhelming, they can leave you feeling *helpless and out of control. Perfectionism often means “mistakes are unacceptable” in our own rulebook. Living with that mindset is like walking a tightrope 24/7 – tense, balance-obsessed, and downright exhausting. Eventually, constantly feeling not good enough or fearing failure can chip away at your mental well-being. (More on how that happens in a moment.) Aiming for flawless order in everything (like arranging all your pencils just so) might look satisfying, but it can become a stressful trap. Life isn’t always as neat as a color-coordinated pencil set!
Why Do We Become Perfectionists? (Psychological Roots)
So, how does someone become a perfectionist? Are we born this way, or did our childhood report cards and gold stars turn us into approval-seeking overachievers? Psychology says it’s a mix of both nature and nurture. Genes play a part – some people may be naturally more prone to perfectionist traits (like being anxious or highly conscientious). But a lot comes from our environment and experiences growing up. If you had very high expectations placed on you, or you learned early on that being perfect = being praised, you might have internalized the idea that anything less than an A+ is failure. In some cases, perfectionism can be a coping mechanism we pick up to deal with deeper feelings of insecurity or even trauma. For example, psychologists note that perfectionism often emerges as a response to shame or fear from childhood experiences. If you felt unworthy or out of control as a kid, you might try to be perfect now to avoid ever feeling that pain again. Striving for flawlessness can give a temporary sense of control and safety. The downside? This relentless pursuit of perfection also brings high levels of stress, anxiety, and self-criticism in the long run.
It doesn’t help that society often pats perfectionists on the back. People will likely praise your work ethic or results if you consistently go above and beyond. As psychologist Katerina Rnic notes, perfectionism is a trait that’s frequently idealized and rewarded in our society. (Hello, hustle culture and straight-A student awards.) This positive feedback can make it hard to realize when perfectionism harms you – after all, everyone says you’re doing great! No wonder so many of us get stuck in the mindset that if I just work a little harder and do everything perfectly, I’ll finally feel good enough. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t quite work out that way.
How Perfectionism Fuels Anxiety and Depression
By now, you might think, “Alright, so perfectionism is common and comes from good intentions… but why does it make me so anxious and down?” Let’s connect the dots. Anxiety often thrives on thoughts like “What if I mess up?” or “I must not fail.” For a perfectionist, those worries are always turned up to max volume. If you believe even a minor mistake is unacceptable, you’ll likely feel constantly on edge, double- and triple-checking your work or procrastinating out of fear you won’t do it perfectly. That chronic stress and worry can blossom into full-blown anxiety. In fact, researchers have found that the perfectionistic tendency to obsess over mistakes (what they call “perfectionistic concerns”) is strongly associated with anxiety disorder. It’s like your mind’s alarm system never gets to turn off because you’re forever chasing that perfect outcome.
Now, let’s talk about depression. Perfectionism sets up a vicious cycle: no matter what you accomplish, you always see the flaws or think, “I should have done better.” Over time, this erodes your self-esteem and happiness. When you constantly feel not good enough, it’s easy to start feeling hopeless or unmotivated. These are hallmarks of depression. Studies show that an unrealistic need to be perfect often leads to depression and even a sense of isolation because you feel nobody else expects as much from you. Think about it – if you can’t meet your own impossibly high standards, you might withdraw or feel unworthy, making you lonely. One recent study suggested that any perfectionism tends to create social disconnection, which in turn fuels depressed mood.
It’s the ultimate irony: you try to be perfect to be accepted and successful but end up feeling more alone and unhappy. Constantly aiming for perfection can feel isolating. It’s easy to end up leaning on the window, lost in worry that you’re never “good enough,” which can contribute to feelings of loneliness and depression.
On top of that, perfectionists are experts at self-criticism. A non-perfectionist might shrug off a minor screw-up; perfectionists will dwell on it for days, beating themselves up mercilessly. Living with that inner critic is emotionally draining and can trigger or worsen depression. And when you’re feeling depressed, guess what tends to flare up? Thoughts like “I’m a failure” or “I’ll never be good enough” just feed the perfectionism further. It’s a harsh cycle.
Bottom line: A growing body of psychology research confirms what many of us have felt – perfectionism and mental health struggles go hand-in-hand. Perfectionistic people are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, and even issues like OCD and eating disorders. It doesn’t mean perfectionism causes these outright (there are usually multiple factors), but it’s a significant contributor. The pressure to be perfect creates constant stress and self-doubt that wears you down over time.
High Standards vs. Unhealthy Perfectionism
At this point, you might wonder, “Do I have to lower my standards to feel better? Isn’t there a way to be excellent without the anxiety?” Great question. There’s an important distinction to make: striving for excellence is not the same as perfectionism. Brené Brown, a researcher and author who studies these topics, puts it perfectly: *“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it’s a shield.” In other words, healthy high standards come from a positive place (wanting to grow or create something great). In contrast, perfectionism often comes from a place of fear – it’s like armor we wear, hoping to protect ourselves from criticism or failure.
Psychologists even break perfectionism into two flavors: “perfectionistic strivings” (basically, the part of you that wants to achieve great things) versus “perfectionistic concerns” (the part of you that relentlessly worries about mistakes and what others will think). The striving side can be healthy – it’s your drive for excellence. The concern side is the problematic one – it’s linked with anxiety, depression, and all those nasty feelings. So yes, you can keep aiming high, but the goal is to do it in a healthy way, without the constant fear and self-criticism. The trick is learning to let go of the toxic bits of perfectionism (the all-or-nothing thinking, the impossible expectations, the harsh self-talk) while keeping your passion for quality. Easier said than done? Absolutely – but it is doable, as many recovering perfectionists can attest!
Tips to Overcome Perfectionism (Without Losing Your Standards)
So, how do we break free from perfectionism’s chokehold? Here are some friendly, practical strategies to start loosening up that “must-be-perfect” mindset while still doing things well. (Try a few and see what fits — progress, not perfection, is what we’re going for!)
- Recognize the Hidden Costs. Take a step back and honestly assess how perfectionism is affecting you. Sure, it might help you churn out great work, but what’s the trade-off? Constant stress, procrastinating because you’re afraid to start, feeling inadequate no matter what? Often, we assume perfectionism is necessary for success, but in reality, it can hold us back. Consider how letting go of a bit of perfection could actually benefit you – maybe you’d have more free time, less anxiety, or more harmonious relationship. Sometimes, just acknowledging that “perfect is driving me crazy” is the first step toward change.
- Embrace “Good Enough” and Practice Imperfection. This tip might sound like a nightmare, but trust me, deliberately doing something imperfectly can be liberating. If you always proofread an email 10 times, hit send on draft #2 instead. Leave a slight mess on your desk on purpose. Intentionally allow a minor flaw and see what happens. Psychologist Katerina Rnic suggests trying these little experiments – predict the worst (e.g., “My boss will hate me for the one typo”) and then test it out. You’ll likely find that the sky doesn’t fall when you’re not perfect. In fact, you might realize people either don’t notice, don’t care, or gasp still value you even when you’re not 100%. Over time, these exercises retrain your brain to tolerate imperfection and reduce the anxiety around it. (Bonus: You reclaim a ton of time and energy once spent polishing things past the point of payoff.
- Set Realistic Standards and Prioritize. Being high-achieving doesn’t mean doing everything perfectly. Perfectionists tend to have all-or-nothing thinking – either I give 110% or Why bother? Try to challenge that. Not every task deserves your maximum effort; it’s okay (and often very wise) to put in a B+ effort on some things so you can focus on what really matters. Choose a few areas that are truly important to you to excel in and give yourself permission to be “average” or just good enough in others. Also, check those standards: are they even realistic? We often compare ourselves to others or an impossible ideal. Keep your goals ambitious but achievable, and remember that everyone has flaws (they’re just not posting them on Instagram). Allow yourself to be human and embrace vulnerability – admitting you’re not perfect is a sign of strength and maturity, not weakness.
- Practice Self-Compassion. This one is huge. Perfectionists are usually much harder on themselves than they would ever be on a friend. Start changing that. When you make a mistake or fall short of a goal, notice the cruel things you might be tempted to tell yourself. Then imagine saying that to your dear friend or child. You wouldn’t, right? Replace that self-critique with kinder, more understanding words. Remember that imperfection is part of being human (no one is flawless, literally no one). In fact, wear your imperfections proudly – they make you you. Research suggests that cultivating this self–compassion– treating yourself with the same empathy and forgiveness you offer others – can seriously help overcome perfectionism. Next time you slip up, tell yourself, “It’s okay. I did my best, and I learned something. I still deserve love and respect.” It might feel odd initially, but it gets easier with practice and feels much better than that self-loathing routine.
- Seek Support and Perspective. You don’t have to tackle perfectionism alone. Sometimes talking about it with a trusted friend, family member, or a therapist can provide a reality check and much-needed encouragement. Simply voicing your worries – “I feel like if this project isn’t perfect, I’m a failure” – to someone else can help deflate them. Others can remind you that you’re already enough as you are. If perfectionism is really causing you anxiety or depression, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Therapy can offer tools to manage those perfectionist thoughts and the feelings underneath them. There’s no shame in getting help; think of it as coaching for your mental game. Often, an outside perspective helps us see that being perfectly imperfect is far healthier than driving ourselves into the ground.
Moving Toward a Healthier Mindset
Breaking the habit of perfectionism won’t happen overnight – after all, you probably spent years reinforcing these patterns. But every small step counts. Celebrate the little victories, like stopping yourself from triple-checking something or saying, “Oops, oh well,” instead of berating yourself when you err. Over time, these changes add up to a calmer mind and a happier you. Remember, you’re so much more than your achievements or mistakes. Your worth isn’t defined by a report card, a performance review, or how immaculate your home looks.
It is possible to maintain high standards and keep your sanity. The key is being flexible, kind to yourself, and realistic about being human. By implementing strategies like the ones above, you can gradually shift away from perfectionism and toward a healthier, more compassionate relationship with yourself.. Imagine the relief of not carrying that constant pressure! You deserve that freedom. Give yourself permission to be beautifully imperfect – in doing so, you’ll find that you can still shine and feel a whole lot better while doing it.
You’ve got this – go forth and pursue excellence, not perfection, and watch your anxiety and blues start to lift. Here’s to being perfectly imperfect! 🎉
If you need help managing your perfectionism, schedule a free 30-minute consultation with me.
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