Understanding conflict-avoidant dishonesty, nervous system survival, and the slow path back to truth
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to upset you.”
“It wasn’t a big deal—I didn’t think I needed to say anything.”
“I just didn’t want to fight.”
These are some of the most common forms of lying in relationships—and they often don’t come from a desire to deceive but from a deep fear of conflict, disconnection, or losing the relationship altogether.
If these sound familiar, you’re not alone.
In this post, we’ll examine how the tendency to lie in relationships evolves and how to regain trust after lying has occurred.
💔What Protective Lying in Relationships Really Sounds Like
According to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, the majority of lies told in romantic relationships are motivated not by malicious intent but by a desire to protect a partner or prevent conflict.
These lies don’t sound like betrayals. They sound like:
- “I forgot to mention it” (but really, you were afraid they’d be mad)
- “It didn’t seem important” (but your stomach dropped when they found out)
- “I didn’t want to ruin the night” (but now there’s tension every time it comes up)
We tell ourselves these lies are harmless. But over time, even well-intentioned dishonesty can quietly erode the foundation of emotional safety and trust in relationships.
🧠 The Nervous System and Conflict-Avoidant Lying in Relationships
Let’s slow this down.
If you’ve ever found yourself lying or withholding the truth to keep the peace, it’s not because you’re inherently dishonest. It’s because your nervous system has equated honesty with danger.
Polyvagal Theory, pioneered by Dr. Stephen Porges, shows how the body shifts into survival states (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) when it perceives threat—even emotional ones like conflict or disapproval (source).
When your partner looks disappointed or begins raising their voice, your body may register that as threat. Your amygdala (fear center) fires. Your prefrontal cortex (rational brain) goes offline. And suddenly, a part of you jumps in to manage the situation at all costs.
You fawn. You appease. You smile and say, “It’s fine,” when your chest is tight and your heart is racing.
This isn’t logic. It’s physiology.
👶 The Childhood Roots of Lying in Relationships
So, where does this pattern come from?
Often from our earliest relationships.
Attachment theory research shows that children who grow up with inconsistent, critical, or emotionally unavailable caregivers often develop avoidant or anxious attachment styles. These children may learn that:
- Expressing anger leads to withdrawal
- Telling the truth results in punishment
- Disagreement causes disconnection
When those lessons become hardwired, we carry them into adult relationships.
“If I tell the truth, I’ll be rejected.” “If I bring this up, they’ll leave.” “Better to hide it than start a fight.”
These are protective strategies, not personality flaws. But over time, they distance us from the very connection we crave.
(Source: Journal of Research in Personality)
🌀 Fawning, Pleasing, and the “Nice Lie”
The trauma response known as fawning involves pleasing, appeasing, and caretaking to avoid danger or maintain attachment. Coined by therapist Pete Walker, fawning is often a learned adaptation to environments where asserting needs or setting boundaries led to punishment or abandonment (source).
In adult relationships, fawning can look like:
- Agreeing to things you don’t want.
- Hiding your true opinions to “keep the peace.”
- Saying you’re okay when you’re not.
It feels like survival. But it costs you your authenticity—and, eventually, the depth of your connection.
📊How Lying in Relationships Damages Trust
The Gottman Institute, known for its decades of relationship research, has shown that trust is built or broken in “small moments of connection”. When we lie—even subtly—to avoid conflict, we disconnect, even if we mean well (source).
Protective lying erodes trust slowly.
- Partners begin to sense inauthenticity.
- Unspoken truths create emotional distance.
- Safety is replaced by performance.
The tragedy? You may be lying to protect the relationship, but the relationship itself becomes less real.
📖 You’re Not a Liar—You’re a Protector
If this is hitting home, pause.
You’re not broken. You’re not manipulative. You’re not dishonest at your core.
You’re someone whose body and heart learned early on that being real wasn’t always safe.
That’s not a character flaw. That’s a nervous system adaptation.
But what protected you then may be hurting you now.
🛠️ Rebuilding Trust After Lying in Relationships
Rebuilding trust in relationships—especially after protective lying—doesn’t require perfection. It requires safe honesty, emotional regulation, and gentle repair.
If you’re wondering how to regain trust in a relationship after lying, the path isn’t paved with grand gestures—it’s built with small, consistent truths, nervous system safety, and attuned repair.
1. Notice the Fear Beneath the Silence
Ask: What am I afraid will happen if I tell the truth?
Is that fear current, or does it belong to a younger version of me?
Try journaling or using parts work: “A part of me thinks I’ll be abandoned if I upset them. I see that part, and I don’t shame it.”
2. Name the Pattern, Not Just the Moment
“I’m realizing I often hide things to avoid conflict. I’d love for us to talk about what makes honesty feel hard, and how we can work on it together.”
This moves the conversation from blame to bonding.
3. Start Small: Practice Low-Stakes Honesty
Try sharing minor truths:
- A preference you’d normally suppress
- A moment you felt misunderstood
- A boundary that feels vulnerable
Let your nervous system learn: I can be honest and still be safe.
4. Repair with Warm Accountability
If you’ve been dishonest, own it with softness:
“I haven’t always told the full truth—not to hurt you, but because I was scared. I’m working on showing up more honestly because I value our connection.”
That’s real. That’s repair. That’s intimacy.
🌿 Final Reflection: Real Love Can Hold the Truth
Protective lying is a survival pattern. But real love requires visibility.
You don’t have to shout every truth. You don’t have to share everything all at once.
But you do deserve a relationship where your truth has room to breathe.
“You can be honest and still be loved. You can survive conflict—and even grow from it.”
Start small. Stay grounded. Trust that being seen is how we heal.
Need more help with creating trust in your relationship?
Schedule a Free Consultation with me!
Because the foundation of a lasting relationship includes trust.
