Finding Freedom in Boundaries: The Power of Boundaries and Agreements in Fostering Healthy Intimacy
As human beings, we crave connections that provide us with love, security, and understanding. Intimate relationships offer us these comforts and more. However, like most things of value, maintaining healthy intimate bonds requires a tactful blend of effort, understanding, and respect. One element often overlooked in this recipe for relationship success is the formation of boundaries and agreements.
Just What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are invisible lines that define one’s personal space, limitations, and area of comfort. However, a boundary also speaks to what is okay for each person. It gives us an opportunity to communicate what feels good, what hurts us, what we need, and what is not acceptable to each of us.
Just because others don’t agree with your boundaries doesn’t make them wrong. Everyone gets to set their own sense of what’s okay for them. Dealbreakers come in when one side has a boundary that must be met, and the other can’t or won’t comply with that boundary for whatever reason.
Often, couples put off conversations about boundaries or aren’t consistent with communicating with them because they are afraid of the loss that can come if a dealbreaker arises. Once we understand and communicate what is underneath our boundaries and what makes them so important to us, most boundaries can be negotiated in a way that feels good to both parties. But if there are “dealbreakers” in your relationship, it’s important to figure these out or part ways because the boundary challenge will come up over and over again, causing hurt and resentment on one or both sides until you do.
Agreements keep us on the same page.
Agreements represent the shared understanding of a relationship’s values, principles, and responsibilities. They also set the stage for ensuring everyone in the relationship is on the same page. In most cases, two partners come from different experiences, families, perspectives, and sometimes cultures or genders. This makes us each necessarily different and unique. Our perspectives, beliefs, and comfort levels will also be different.
By discussing and negotiating your boundaries with your partner and making agreements that spell out what each of you is expecting, you ensure everyone knows and is okay with their part. It gives you a North Star to guide you through your relationship. Each person ensures that they are only agreeing to things that they truly are okay with to increase reliability and reduce resentment and disappointment.
When something goes wrong in the relationship regarding a boundary, going back to your agreements will help you quickly identify what went wrong and get back on track.
Boundaries and agreements form an irreplaceable foundation for trust in any intimate relationship.
Steps for setting boundaries and agreements in your relationship.
Make a list. Start making a list of issues and challenges that you think might need a boundary and agreement in your relationship. I think almost everything in a relationship might benefit from agreements. However, you might start with challenges that have come up repeatedly in your relationship. Often, these revolve around issues of trust, involvement with family, friends, and others, kids and parenting, finances, intimacy, etc. Each of you should start with your own list, and later, you can compare.
Set a time. Set up a time that works for both of you and allows you to have an uninterrupted conversation. Make sure that it’s a time when the kids aren’t underfoot, or one or both of you are exhausted or emotional. Midnight isn’t likely to be a great time to start a conversation about boundaries and agreements.
Prioritize the issues. Combine and jointly prioritize your list of challenges and issues. You will unlikely get to all of these, or even more than one of these, in a meeting. This will be a working document for your entire lives together as you begin to discover new challenges that go onto the list. Tip: If there are arguments or challenges that have been coming up more than others, these might be good options to prioritize first.
Communicate with love and respect. Have an open, honest, loving, and respectful conversation where each of you gets time to discuss your position and preferences on the boundary.
It’s crucial to make this a safe space for everyone, so sometimes, having a quick conversation about the boundaries around how you agree to communicate can be helpful.
The speaker’s gig
The speaker needs to be respectful and loving and avoid blame/criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. Come from the perspective of “I feel” rather than “You are. . .”. And no, “ I feel you are a Bozo” is not what we’re doing here (LOL).
Make sure to speak to what you want and need vs. what you don’t want and need so that your partner understands. Also, note why your position would be as good for your partner and the relationship as it is for you.
The listener’s gig
The listener’s job is to listen without interrupting and fully engage with what your partner is saying. It doesn’t matter whether you agree or not. The purpose is to understand their perspective fully so that each of you understands what the other needs and wants. This is crucial for negotiating later.
Remember, everyone gets to have a perspective, even if you disagree. It is natural to differ in our wants and needs. This is a space not of right and wrong but of how do we bring you and me into a “we.” Judgment had absolutely no place in this conversation (or any loving conversation, for that matter). Listen with an open heart. This is someone you love. It doesn’t mean it will go all one way or the other.
Then, once your partner is finished, paraphrase what you heard to ensure you fully understand it.
Once one partner has finished with the topic you’re discussing, switch so that each of you can explain what you want and need.
Once each of you has had a chance to state your needs, wants, and preferences, negotiate an agreement in a clear way that everyone understands and is comfortable with. Never make an agreement that you are truly not in agreement with. I promise it will come back to bite you in the tushy.
Understanding and navigating boundaries and agreements might seem like a challenging task, especially without professional guidance.
That’s where couples counseling can be an empowering, transformative journey to understanding and implementing these key relationship principles.
Couples therapy can help you unravel your relationship dynamics and build healthier intimate relationships.
I’d love to help support and guide you through uncovering and communicating your boundaries openly and fearlessly, but with love and respect.
I can help you create agreements in a non-judgmental environment where each perspective is heard, understood, and respected.
Are you at a juncture in your relationship where you think implementing effective boundaries and agreements can make a difference? If so, we’d be thrilled to assist you.
Reignite the spark in your intimate relationship!
Schedule a free consultation with me and embark on your journey of rediscovery, healing, and growth.
Let’s shape a future where your relationship flourishes, nurtured by the empowering strength of boundaries and agreements.
Remember, every long-lasting relationship is rooted in mutual understanding, respect for personal boundaries, and adherence to shared agreements. By recognizing and honoring these crucial elements, we pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships and reinforce our commitment to personal growth and well-being. The journey may be challenging, but the transformation is undeniably worth it.
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